It Just Plain Petered Out

Inspired by: Beth Kempton's Spring Light

"We have agency, but we are not in control."

Photo by Nadine Shaabana on Unsplash

What a disturbing assertion (reality) for a control freak to have to hear (embrace)! I've been watching Facebook baby videos lately (be patient, this ties in, I promise), and as I watched the little guys screaming, crying, whacking on others and even themselves in frustration, I started to imagine them - if they continued their current trajectory - doing the same things, though more camouflaged, as adults. I empathetically feel these tiny ones experiencing their limitations in this world and not liking it one bit - adorable little control freaks in the making. But seriously, is anyone ever happy with limitations being imposed upon them? And isn’t this innate drive to win (whatever) at any cost why we enter the social contract to live and let live so that we may avoid blowing each other to bits? Maybe it sounds like I believe humans to be basically self-serving and dangerous to anyone or anything that stands in the way of their needs and wants – and I do.

I suspect there are hereditary, environmental, and some woo-woo spiritual manifestations in each of us that determine what degree of control freak we will grow into (personally, I was an aspiring black belt). Wait! I lied when I said "WAS an aspiring black belt" - once a control freak, always a control freak - it's like being in recovery; the condition may be in remission but always threatens to reassert itself. Adding fuel over the years to my desire to control everything I could, was a belief that somehow, I could do whatever better, faster, with more economy of effort and expense...and not to be a blowhard freak all puffed up with self-importance, often I could. But at what cost to myself and others around me?

It’s a slippery slope when basically self-serving humans like me, convince themselves that what they are doing is for someone else’s own good – single-minded and driven by their certainty, it becomes okay to usurp the rights of others in making their own decisions, even to benevolently “save” them from their own mistakes. Thankfully, I am in remission – I know this because I have learned to STFU. This does not mean I have ceased to voice my opinions; it just means that I do not use my opinions to browbeat others into submission or cajole them into doing things the way I think they should. My opinions have become a source of amusement to me, things I play with, chances to question the status quo, and sometimes a sharing with the hope of providing others with food for thought, entertainment and possibly to pique their interest in engaging in civil dialogue or disagreement…is this naïve of me, am I just fooling myself (who knows)?

For me, it's always been much easier to see truth in the written word, art, and theatrical performances than in my personal day-to-day experiences that are filtered and interpreted by my perception of who and what I am. Living vicariously through a fictional character, I am free of self-judgement and can feel, react and even reflect more genuinely in the moment. I believe books and films with great characters were my earliest instructors and provided my first serious forays away from my self-serving ego into the world of self-awareness and introspection. This is why I love good fiction with interesting characters so that I might live and learn through them - and also why I watch those Facebook baby videos, they help remind me from whence I came.

For the most part believing you are in control is an illusion, though having agency is not; agency is the ability to act according to one’s own will. It shouldn’t be hard to understand one’s own will…should it? According to the Pygmalion* effect, it may well be difficult to distinguish self-will from the desire to please others. I consciously reject any hindrance in my journey that draws its power from others’ opinions and instead, I seek to understand what lies within. This internal work of uncovering, understanding, and even shaping yourself is in opposition to inventing a facade. Yet isn’t this a skill that so many popular personalities on social media are good at and what the masses seem to applaud: the re-invention of oneself into a more pleasing persona?

I believe there is a social contract for all who hope to live in a civilized world but have come to realize there is also an implicit contract each of us has with the Universe the moment we are born. I love the line in Eve 6’s Inside Out, “Make me blind when your eyes close…” it perfectly illustrates how one might fall prey to seeing/understanding oneself solely through the eyes of another and it is the antithesis to self-awareness. I believe we are charged by the Universe to write the story of our life in each thought, act and intention, and while others may provide feedback, they have no business as a co-agent in our contract nor as a co-author of our story - each of us needs to stick to the business of reaching deep inside our own psyche and finding what is there.

Most importantly for me is that I recognize and use my agency while refusing to be the protagonist in my story that wreaks havoc on everyone and everything around them by seeking to control the whole kit and caboodle. In the story I am writing for my life, I have found my will losing its desire to take hold of another’s reins though this act once brought me a great deal of pleasure and self-worth.

So, I see the desire to control others has been just plain petering out for a long time. Without expending so much energy to orchestrate the lives of those around me, I am finding reserves of strength and power within that allow proper agency to finding my path and fulfilling my contract with the Universe. Warning: the sorts of thoughts and explorations described herein precipitated my petering out - if you don’t want to find a similar petering out, you should probably avoid such ways of thinking.

*Pygmalion effect - briefly described, (there has been much research on it) it is a desire to conform to the expectations of others.