There I am in my early twenties, studying Tarot as though it was a new religion, approaching it like Catechism with words to memorize, concepts to understand and ways of living and believing to be emulated. How funny that I would rebel against the regimented church of my childhood and yet drag kicking and screaming all the things I sought to leave behind; to all things new, I bring something old.
So, the first Tarot card I learned about was The Fool – even after studying them all, it remains my favorite. I am drawn to it and admire the young man's willingness to step out, to leap forward, to pursue whatever it is that holds his passion - is this not the true definition of faith? I studied the interpretations of others, experts, about my Fool and found in his upright form, he represented all that I thought and instinctively felt he did; but in his reverse form, he is a caution against chaos, folly, poor judgement and even stupidity.
A really interesting thing I encountered a few years ago is the idea that the Universe is on a quest to understand itself (“The Curious Universe”) and we are its researchers sent forth to help in that cause. Each of us from the moment we are born is on a quest to understand the Universe and ourselves; in understanding one, we gain better insight of the other, and as a special bonus we gain a deeper understanding of fellow humans that allows us to live more harmoniously. In the hubbub of school, work and family we lose sight of that quest and often it comes back to us with a vengeance as we grow older and closer to reunification with the Source - whether that be in heaven or some other place.
I found myself falling in love with this Curious Universe – I finally got it (to the best of my ability to understand something as far beyond me as an electron microscope is to a virus). At the end of our physical existence, the Curious Universe asks, “What have you learned?” We may at this time ask ourselves the same question, and if some sort of wisdom is not forthcoming, there’s a feeling of deep disappointment and sense of lost opportunity; I have seen both the glimmer of wisdom and the shadow of regret in the eyes of those passing on.
What has all this to do with Deja Vu? Be patient - you know I eventually get to the point and meandering around it can be most pleasant and illuminating! :)
I remember clergy and nuns trying to explain the concept of an all-knowing God who created a free-willed bunch of kids running around generating chaos (perhaps He did this due to being bored - obviously, I am speculating here - clergy and nuns absolutely never ever alluded to the possibility that the Maker could suffer such maladies as boredom)! According to these folk, although we have the freedom to choose, He already knows what we will choose. I remember finding this to be contradictory and thought if my choices are already known, then they are already written which means pre-destination, and that means nothing I do can make any difference…in my mind, a true hell on earth, and not logically possible under the umbrella of free will.
How this belief in predestination came about, I can only suppose: once the church began to advocate for an Omniscient, Omnipotent, Omnibenevolent, Omnipresent deity, they could not back pedal and say Quadruple O does not know EVERYTHING. The existence of free will in this model must not have been the problem for them that it is for me.
However, in a Curious Universe that is trying to understand itself, it makes perfect sense that this Seeker of understanding waits and watches, sometimes sadly, sometimes with great joy as we exercise our freedom to choose and learn about each other together. On the flipside, if this existence is really Quadruple O just putting on a puppet show with an already written script, then He already knows everything that was, is and shall be…and we’re only actors in His play, “All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players…” (As You Like It”, William Shakespeare). This kind of thinking gives me the shivers.
Isn’t it incredible and magical that the Universe (or God, if you prefer), a metaphysical force with no physical substance, managed to create substance in the form of us, the earth and all that our five senses tell us is real? Even more wonderful (and of course, magical) to me, is the proposition that the Curious Universe has a thirst for knowledge and appreciation of new experiences. In the paradigm of the Curious Universe, one is left to consider, perhaps the All-Knowing knows and yet does not know ALL – not really a blasphemous proposition in my mind if one believes in free will, and I do.
I believe the Creator gave us the freedom to choose with all that it entails; we are in possession of the metaphorical keys to the car, our driver’s license is valid by virtue of being born, and holy books supply a few road maps…and like any loving, non-helicopter-hovering-mess-of-a-parent, the Creator allows us to drive off, encounter what we will and choose the best course of action (we do not always choose the best, but that is beside the point – the point is, WE GET TO CHOOSE!).
I don’t believe in writing long essays that are nothing but my peculiar and impossible-to-prove thoughts and ideas. I leave that level of commitment which includes providing substantiating evidence and quoting respected sources to academics and experts. But I do believe that if I’ve taken the time to write something down, and if I’ve found the need to share it with others, I am responsible for making sense and tying thoughts together (unless I’m doing some stream-of-consciousness thing which is a private dip into a pool of pure joy that arouses no compulsion in me to make any sense whatsoever).
Nothing says non-fiction like bullet points (though, let’s face it, all speculation about the divine is very subjective and a bit fanciful). So here they come:
Why I called this piece Déjà Vu- because I believe these moments are hints from the Curious Universe that you didn’t get it the first time and need to look at whatever it is again…not really rubbing our nose in shit but telling us that we missed the point and need to re-read the book. The Curious Universe is tapping its foot and waiting.
Why I mentioned Tarot and particularly the Fool – like attracts like, I believe in magic and have endeavored to live my life as a Fool, sometimes my life was the embodiment of the upside-down version, others, right-side up. The Curious Universe finds me slightly amusing and occasionally commiserates with me in the midst of my folly.
Why I believe in the Curious Universe and have moved away from the Quadruple O God of my childhood – because the Curious Universe speaks to me every day and puts the onus of figuring it all out on me; I am the driver in my own life. It does not ask me to believe in angels, interventions, carrots of heaven or sticks of hell, nor does it endeavor to fill me with platitudes and promises. The Curious Universe finds me interesting and is most attentive when I do the unexpected…and it is not a know-it-all.
Conclusion: I have lots of Deja Vu’s, usually several each week but I suppose for one who has lived most of their life as a Fool and seems to think this is a good thing, it is to be expected. I am grateful to be alive and to be given extra chances to ‘get it’. The daily question I seem to ask myself is: shall I dance with my Fool in the pale moonlight, or shall I cavort with him near a cliff standing on my head?
Addendum: Henley’s poem has always aroused a passion in me with my obsession about free will and all, but it is the last two lines that make me want to include it here. As for the rest of its relatability for me, that would be nearly nil: My soul is strong, but I cannot comfortably assert that it is unconquerable; I have definitely cried aloud resplendent with weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth; my head has really never been bloody but is often bowed; and sometimes little this’s and that’s make me very afraid. Now that I think about it, Invictus feels a bit Nietzschean and I’ve always admired the bad boys of philosophy…oh, dear, I am digressing and must leave you before I sink into some stream of consciousness thing and ruin my somewhat organized essay. I think I hear the Curious Universe laughing at me again...
"Out of the night that covers me, Black as the Pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul. In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed. Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds and shall find, me unafraid. It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul." "Invictus" by William Ernest Henley
Thank you for reading, and aren’t you glad I mostly stick to fiction, “poetry” of a sort, and memoirs instead of subjecting you to these essays?
the beautiful layered meanings of symbols is unfolding. enjoy the never ending journey as you hear the whisperings of their meaning. Big hug
While the dyslexic atheist claims there is no Dog, I'm just happy when my karma doesn't hit my dogma. Love the essay. It made me think about posting a few of my wild and crazy God poems which I have been saving for a book.