A Tale of Two Soles

*"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

Proclamation 1077 (Proposed by the United Peoples’ Party (UPP)):

All citizens must relinquish to the nearest DAMN (Department of American Moderators of Nuisances) Office, any and all superfluous pairs of personal footwear IAW this edict. It has been determined excessive ownership of shoes is frivolous, inefficient and in contradiction to the natural benefits of going barefoot. All living in colder climes requiring seasonally appropriate foot coverings will be issued a standard allotment of DAMN footwear with a daily usage fee applied. These authorized foot coverings must be returned within 5 days of the last 40-degree temperature of the season (any ambiguities impacting understanding/compliance with this edict will be dealt with via additional edicts). Wear and tear to said footwear will be assessed and immediately withdrawn from citizen’s ACH, along with a penalty fee not to exceed 25% of the original value of the item, and/or incarceration if wear and tear is deemed excessive. NOTE: The optimal design for required and standardized footwear has not yet been decided upon but will be discovered once this proclamation is approved. In preparation for this initiative, all shoe-users are required to immediately turn in frivolous footwear (any amount exceeding one pair per citizen). This mandatory requirement will work to cease the drain on the economy and deter bougie class wars. Each citizen is responsible to make necessary adjustments to time spent outdoors and distance covered by walking - please call DAMN if access to medical treatment for frostbite becomes necessary. Your cooperation and patience are appreciated. Let’s all be DAMN-ed together. Long live the People!

Proclamation 003 (Proposed by Advocates of Darwinian Enterprise and Peoples’ Teleology, (ADEPT):

We seek to resist all governmental interference in the natural and right consequences of nature and nurture as demonstrated by laws of God, individual choice and the sovereign domain of each family. We hold these truths to be self-evident and seek to ensure our society endures IAW ancient and modern texts that value the individual while minimizing artificial interference of the natural processes inherent to human life. The right to wear and own shoes are inalienable rights subject only to the discretion of each individual’s limitations imposed by lifestyle and personal finances. Not only is the right to wear shoes sacrosanct, but the color, style and cost is beyond the purview or control of an authoritarian state bent on destroying individuality, minimizing personal responsibility and eroding natural class distinctions. In response to the United Peoples’ Party Proposal 1077, ADEPT proposes that all concerned citizens respond by their voting “nay” while initiating unrestrained purchasing/hoarding in mass quantities any and all unauthorized footwear. This response will not only stimulate the economy but resist UPP’s efforts to DAMN us all. In support of this, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, “we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.”

Citizen: I just wanted to buy a new pair of work boots for me and tennies for my kids. I can’t stand those DAMNed idiots or those ADEPT buffoons. When did buying a freaking pair of shoes become a political statement?

*Several nods to Dickens, The Declaration of Independence, and a few politicians living and dead dedicated to playing roles of systemic disruptors while stalwartly maintaining the status quo.